Sleep Well Morpheus

All Hail Friday! The weekend is finally here and I can relax for two whole days. I'll give work one thing, my posture has improved dramatically. I would be a hobbled mess right now if I were slouching. I actually am beginning to find sitting tall in my chair more comfortable even at home. I remember from a book Kagami gave me (Cherohonkees and Food Court Druids) that there is a name for someone that sits with impossibly good posture all the time, Maybe I'll turn into one of those :) Maybe I'll find that book in my library and re-read it. Today I feel better than I have in a long time. I even bordered on smug, as I discussed with co-workers (we are all temps with the same agency) how I am routinely placed the second I'm free with my agency because I'm a proven employee with a spotless record, where even the places I hated to work would have me on staff full time if I would have wanted it.
"It's simple", I told them, "I never have to wait for a job because I'm the best, and Adecco knows it"
Thinking on it now, I may have been a little aggressive in my statements. Most of them want nothing more than a regular job out of the agency, whereas I'm really relishing in the freedom of being a temp. Maybe my pontification was more about showing them that there is no shame in being a temp and moreover than that, that one can be proud to excess in the fact that you can rise in the collective ranks of temping. I know damn well that I'm put out before new applicants, I know that I'm chosen for alot of jobs before a host of people that have been with the company as long as I have been. Anyhow, I was really impressed that I a)didn't avoid the opportunity to join in on this particular conversation and b) that I felt good enough about myself and what I do that I could possess such a swagger. It's been a very long time indeed, since I've seen that facet of my personality.
In sadder news, one of the Milk Pail Kids - Morpheus - has passed into the place where good salamanders go when they are done with this life. I had to tell Brandon this morning and he of course was very upset. I've since realized that I've just passed through another hurdle of parenthood. The dreaded first dead pet. It's not as bad as it could have been, since little man was really first introduced to the concept of death and loss with his Grandmother's passing, but having to tell him that his salamander had died, and that because they were about the same age that we probably didn't have long with the other one really wrenched at my heart.

So much for your promises

Last night was like every other. There was no walk because as I entered the door I was assaulted by bills that needed to be paid, homework to needed to be checked, supper that needed to be cooked, notes to the teacher to write, pets that needed to be fed, and a myriad of other things that clammered for my immediate attention. My sweetie brilliantly hiding downstairs with his new toy (a palm pilot) and my son working with great dedication either on his homework or staying out of my way. I'll give most credit to my darling boy. He has decided in order to give me a break that he'll do most of what I expect of him solo now and reserve actual schoolwork for our time (I have him do grade 3 review books as well as school assigned homework). If it weren't for the dozen other things in my world pushing and pulling me about, I might have actually gotten my walk in despite my husband's inattention to the promise he made. My only frustration with Brandon last night was with our nightly reading. We are reading the BFG. a kid's novel given to Brandon by my sweetheart Kagami. The book has nonsensical words in it like gogglers and scrumdiddlyumptious. Occasionally when these words pop up I ask little man to translate these words into human speech. This he finds extremely difficult. He can't seem to move past the literal of it. I took him several minutes, for example, to decipher that gogglers were eyes. I wonder if free association can be taught or if it is a natural ability one has or doesn't. I'm hoping as we progress through the pages he'll become more familiar with the author's use of language. Already he is becoming more confident with his reading. He is hesitating less and enunciating more. I am gaining more confidence as well, that Brandon is actually getting something out of our time together.
I do notice however that Brandon is still excessively clingy and while I'm not actively discouraging it, I sometimes make him wait for a hug or kiss until I'm finished with what I'm doing, so he doesn't get the impression that I'll drop everything for him all of the time. It's a tough love approach I know, but I feel that there have to be some boundries placed on affection. It wouldn't be good for him to grow up thinking that affection should always come on his schedule of whims.

Crying

It's been months since I've cried. Last night I had a big one. It's funny because I had a great (well not bad) day. Testing this software has been a little this side of insipid. I'm sure it will be more interesting when we have a new software, rather than the proven one we've been working with.
Anyhow, so I come home last night, helped Brandon with his homework, got a neighborhood boy to mow the lawn, made the supper, ate the supper, did reading time with Brandon, sent him off to bed, watched the one t.v. program I make time for every week (House), cleaned up the dishes and got the lunches ready for the next day.
As soon as I hit my bedroom and closed the door, I bawled like a baby. Little things just got to me. My boss saying my hair reminds him of Cousin It, not going for my walks because 5am is just too damn early, hitting a plateau with my weight loss because I'm not walking anymore and generally just feeling like I'll never to to make any of my dreams come to pass because I'm too busy looking out for everyone else. I feel like I've wasted so much time. I meant to do the quit smoking, exercise, get fit thing when we got to Kingston, and I didn't. I had ten months where I didn't do much of anything when I could have and now when I've committed myself to working, and making sure that Brandon catches up scholastically, and taking better care of myself, I feel like I'm faltering. My life is becoming a well choreographed dance that has me plie-ing and pirroetting through my 17 waking hours without pause. Is this it? Is this the life I've been working towards? Or is this like high school and college where you just have to put in the time to make it to the other side.
When James found me there in bed, still obviously upset (I'd finished my crying episode though) he asked what he can do to help. I told him the truth, there is just so much that I do in conjunction with other things that there isn't much he can do. But to make us both happy, he said he can/will supervise some of little man's homework so I can go out for my walk. I'm hoping that it will work out ok. I would like to have the time. So love my honey for trying to give it to me.

Brandon

I'm beginning to wonder how much use all of my poking and prodding is. I try so hard to instill in Brandon what is right and what is wrong and that everything has a consequence. Unfortunately its not sinking in. Sure, now he knows that the line has been drawn where if he gets sent home - he gets grounded. So now he reserves himself enough that he doesn't get sent home. He apperently still gets in enough trouble however, to get sent to the principals office - where he gets to play with Mr. Potatohead and Lego and thus miss his class. How the hell am I supposed to get him to catch up the full grade level he's behind when he can just throw a fit and go play.

And then there is our homework time. Trying to get him to think for himself is so painful. He'll do anything I tell him to but to get him to come up with a sentence on his own using his spelling words - its so frustrating.

Fear

One of the things I've lost since I was last at work was my own brand of fearlessness. In coming back to work I've found myself wanting in social situations. I just don't feel like I could connect to any of these people. But is it really that or is it that I don't want to attach myself?
Knowing that I'm leaving in just a few months gives me a sense of panic of yet more friends I'll have to leave. I don't leave people well. I'm a very out of sight-out of mind kind of person. I try not to be, but old habits die hard. Once I've left a place I leave what's behind sitting on some kind of emotional shelf to be picked up again only when I'm back in sight. I know now how it hurts those sitting on the shelf. No one likes to be tucked away. All of my closest friends have been tucked away like this at least once. Some of them have endured it repeatedly. It's only been this last move where I've seen how truly devastated that shelving process can be, and honestly I don't want to do it to more people than I have to.

Another fear I've only recently developed is the fear of losing my son. As the month of September draws to a close and the prospect of moving grows closer I'm beginning to dread the summer when I'll have to turn Brandon back over to his father. As hard as it is being a parent, not being one feels like it might tear me apart. And then I'm hit with how hard it will be on Brandon. He's getting to really enjoy his way of life with us. My ex and I have such different parenting priorities. He wants little man to revel in childhood and I want to raise a man.

I know I push Brandon harder than my ex would like. I want to show little man that there is a time for everything. Play and work alike. It's hard though, because he is behind in his education (I love how schools advance kids that haven't learned what they need) and I want to get him caught up. I know he needs to play and enjoy time with his friends, but he also needs to have a reading level better than grade 2; he needs to know about social graces and the difference between right and wrong. There is so much I want to show him and only eight more months in which to accomplish it. Perhaps it's a good thing that the ex and I split our time with him. I know Dean will make sure that Brandon has oodles of slack time. Of course that pisses me off too. I have spent the last year bringing Brandon up to almost his grade level, and then come summer I have to hand him over to his dad where he'll get to slack off and most likely fall behind again.
But is that really the case, or am I convincing myself of it so I can get some sort of rightous anger brewing in order to tell my ex off come summer and thus bully him into letting little man stay with me?
I've done that. I've bullied Dean around (verbally of course), I make him feel small to get him to do things my way. But in order to do that, I have to be rightous.

Maybe I just fear my own self and the destructive cababilities I supposedly wield.

Of course, that assumption is very self centered, isn't it? How could I affect lives so greatly as to ruin them without mallice? Then again, how often has the off-handed remark of another scarred it's recipient? I think back to the tormenting I recieved as a child and how it took me years to overcome. It would be stupid to assume that my actions would not hold weight to someone else, especially in someone who loved me enough to marry me. Which leads me to the most important question. What is not to be feared, if you cannot trust your own self to be honest with you? Intentions and rammifications are often in direct opposition.
I intend not to hurt people - but I do. How can I be trusted?

A plethora of posts

Just to let those who still check out my space know, I'll most likely only be posting once or twice a week now, but I'll be posting multiple times the days I do post. My new job does not have access to the internet so I can't post from there, and by the time my work at home is finished I only want to see my bed. However, because of the bus schedules, I arrive at work early enough to write down my thoughts of the previous day.

To catch up on my goals:

I've only managed to lose 5 lbs and Thanksgiving is next week. (BOO)

All of my bills are being paid in full and as I get them (hooray)

I'm eating oodles of the fresh fruits and veggies daily plus taking vitamins (hooray)

I'm still a happy non-smoker - although the cravings during the past 3 weeks that I've been working have been worse than I would've imagined (Mostly hooray)

I haven't done my walks in almost two weeks (BOO)

I'm doing my girly stuff but in moderation - I just can't spend an hour every day straightening my hair but I'm still keeping up with my face and nail routines (Mostly hooray)

Brandon and I have maintained our homework schedule 5 nights a week (hooray)

Since most of my September goals are ongoing, I think for October I'll just keep all of my September goals with the following revisions.

I want to take off 10 lbs by Halloween

I want to reinstate my daily walks but considering my work schedule, I'll make them apres work.

I will have both of my accounts safely out of their respective overdrafts and continue paying the monthlies as they come in. Additionally I will take the Mastercard down 1000 dollars by Halloween.

I will continue to eat fresh fruit and veggies and will restrict myself from eating more than two dessert-ish treats a week (I've gotten addicted to hot chocolate again)

I will remain a happy non-smoker. (this one keeps getting easier)

I will take the time to do a full hair and make-up girlifying once a week and keep up with the routines that I've already established.

I will continue with homework time, although I will encourage as much time as possible to be independant study so Brandon builds self confidence in his own abilities.

Back to work and other random thoughts

It doesn’t seem so long ago I was writing about a nine month absence from work only to charge back into the workforce, yet here I am again, after ten months this time, finally settling back into a comfortable office chair. For the rest of this week I’ll be at a company that produces biological doo-dads, and after that I’ll be beta testing some in-house software for an insurance agency for two months. That should take me to almost Christmas. I’ve missed working. It’s amazing how positive your first few days in a new office are. Everyone smiling, everyone interested in who you are and where you’re from. Learning new names, new procedures and finding either make work projects or pre-doing your blog in order to look productive at a desk with nothing much to do.

Things I might find challenging are:

Fighting morning and evening traffic again.
Not being there for my son when he gets in after school
Having the time with Brandon to keep up our homework time
Finding the time to put together suppers and keep up with my housework
Keeping active is a big one. I don’t want to fall back into a routine of complacency
Doing all that and finding a small window that is left for me to unwind. After ten months of having the house all to myself for 6+ hours a day, I worry that I might miss the luxury of not talking. I’ve loved all of the silence in my life. No phones ringing, no TV on, no sound. I like the sound of me puttering at whatever. It’s quiet. Yes, I think I may find life’s noises challenging. Meh, how bad can it be?

Fort Henry

I really love my morning walks. It's amazing how much energy I get from a few simply laps around the block. So on Saturday I invited my honey to come with me and after a single lap around the block he said "I don't know how you can just go around and around day after day, Let's go this way" And this way we went.
I live 2nd house from the end of my street and at the end of the street there's a little path that leads up to a large groomed field. When you cross said field you are greeted by a road and across from that a really big hill. At the top of that hill is Fort Henry.
Fort Henry is a remnant of Canada before it was really Canada. It was built in 1812 (The Whitehouse Burned Burned Burned and we're the ones that did it) and manned by British soldiers until they were no longer needed and the Canadian Military stepped in. Now it is a museum complete with cannons that go off every day at 12 and 3. Fort Henry also does some sort of dance party most weekends throughout the summer complete with nightly fireworks and people screaming until all hours of the night... but I digress.
So we crossed the field, charged the hill, circled the perimeter, walked the coast line of the lake and climbed what appeared to be this tiny little hill (only that when climbing it I have the feeling like the effort is reaching down deep and releasing smoke gunge from a whole new level in my lungs and it sets the muscles in my ass ablaze in a way that I've never experienced) where upon we come back up on the road that we crossed and return through the groomed field and back onto my street where there is my lovely little Q. It takes the same amount of time to do 1 lap around the block and circle Fort Henry as it does to walk my block three times. Fort Henry has become my new route.
Other than wanting to die on the way up the tiny hill from hell, I love touring this old monolith. It is serene to look out over the lake and see the sailboats and houseboats and even the ferry crossing the water at what appears to be a leisurely pace from the top of this little mountain. It's equally as lovely to breathe in the tranquility of these old stones that have stood sentry for almost two hundred years and feeling safe. And even as I charge through the manicured grasses (ok a brisk walk can be a charge) the birds and beasts hardly move save to let me pass, and I feel one with everything around me.

I am more grateful every day that I quit smoking, if not for that, I'd never have known how wonderful it is to join the morning sun, and share with Him a regular interlude. How blessed am I that this is how I start my day!

On a less spriritual note, it was only 10 degrees out this morning... I'm going to have to start wearing a jacket! Fall is coming.

An Ode to Me?

Found this on Storm Large's Website. Yes I too am a RockStar: SuperNova show fan, and Storm was one of my favorites. I love these lyrics. The woman is a genius. Rock On Storm Large!

Thank God I am what I am
by Storm Large and the Balls

It was not ever my scene
to be homecoming queen
or to hang from the sleeve
of the captain of the footbal team
That's not what I am

And no a princess I will never be
My fingernails are chipped, my mind is dirty
Everything about me just about screams
I am the anti-debutante
And I'm the child of a common man

Thank God, I am what I am, hell yeah

And all my life I tried to be what was expected of me
And that led to lonliness and misery
And all the bullshit lying inbetween
Well, no thank you, man
Say..

Thank God, I am what I am, hell yeah
Thank God, I am what I am, hell yeah
Thank God, I am what I am, hell yeah
Thank God.


It was not ever my scene
to be homecoming queen
or hang on the sleeve of anybody
Yes..

Thank God, I am what I am, hell yeah
Thank God, I am what I am, hell yeah

Is it me?

I could be losing my mind. I'm on day 4 of my commitment to myself to spend more time with Brandon. The first two days were amazing! I really felt like we were bonding so much better than we ever had before. Yesterday was a little more terse. He was not as energetic about doing his grade 3 review, but when we got to his class assignment, he dug right in. I thought ok, well cursive writing gets most people and other than that he's just a little less focused today. No Big Deal. Fast Forward to this morning, we do our morning breakfast talking as normal and he starts into his 'dream'. Now his 'dreams' I doubt are actual night time REMs, I'm thinking they are more him learning to use his imagination, which is a good thing, except most times he creates these on the fly and when he delivers them they are normally very stuttered and lacking in cohesion. I find myself head bobbing through most of it with the occasional question thrown in so he thinks I'm paying attention.
I feel horrible about it, but nothing would make me happier than for him to stop. His stories are drivel and if I show interest he's not likely to stop, but if I don't listen I'm a horrible mother because I'm stifling his creative process. I've told him (repeatly) that he should keep a dream journal for these stories and then let me read them but he won't/doesn't, leaving me again with the story time. I've also found the more time I spend with him, the more his habits annoy me. His sucking on pant strings and backpack straps drive me absolutely insane and that is just his most recent way of fidgeting. He also has nose snuffles, lip licking, the storytelling, pencil shaking and a host of others that often have me yelling or at least grabbing the offensive element of fidget from him. Logically I know these are all part of his ADD, but these things drive me spare. I don't know how to either change it or ignore it, and the removing of his fidget gidget doesn't always work. When we were looking up beavers on the internet I had to take his sweat pant strings out of his mouth 4 times in ten minutes. The last time I yelled at him to just f'ing stop it already, and then had to apologize for swearing. I've explained to Brandon that swearing generally comes out when people run out of other ideas. And such is often the case with me.
But anyways, here I am on day 4 of this commitment and I'm torn between what I should do and what is easier to do. I know that no one wins with the easy way. But the right thing is proving to have some unforseen side effects as well. Brandon seems to be emotionally regressing. The more time I spend with him the more babylike and helpless he tries to be. I really don't like that trend. Is he just allowing himself regression so as to make up for time spent in his toddlerhood/young childhood when I wasn't there for him? Is he doing now what so many people have to do later - reclaiming his 'inner child' even though he's hasn't made it out of childhood? Or is he doing what he sees frustrates me, waiting for me (or trying to instigate) to revert into my hidey hole where he's allowed to do pretty much anything as long as it doesn't bug me?
I really want to keep up with this commitment, already I can see Brandon thinking more, even when it's not school related, but this is nowhere near the positive lovey dovey emotional bonding stuff I wanted. Kids may just be short people but they don't work the same as adults and as much as I hate to admit it I think I may have passed through that expanse where I don't get kids.

Still doing my morning walks (I timed myself the other morning - I spend 40 minutes out there... I think my block is bigger than I give it credit for) Meal planning was simply the best idea ever and some of these healthy recipes are just dang tasty... whoda thunk that barley chicken would become a favourite? I stepped on the scale this morning and it said I was 3 lbs lighter than last week, I'll only believe one of those lbs because you always weigh less in the morning... so that brings me up to 11 lbs down since I quit smoking. Only 9 more to go before Helen gets here! I can so do this. I haven't been keeping up with the morning manicures since I started spending my mornings with Brandon, I think I'll put that over until before bed and see how that works. But on the whole I'm happy with what I've been doing and the results are starting to show. I feel amazing.

Nanny 911

Have you ever been channel surfing when a title just strikes you with such morbid curiousity that you can't help but go to it? Such is the case with me and Nanny 911. I won't go out of my way to watch it, as I watch very little tv but I will if it happens to be on at a time when I am watching and there is no CSI, that's where I go. It's a fascinating show really, where a british nanny will go into a home ravaged by a plethera of misbehaving children and straighten them out in a week. Not surprisingly, the children only need a little discipline and it is the parents who need the overhaul.
I was making good on the promise to myself that I spend some time with Brandon last night reviewing some grade 3 stuff. I bought a bunch of grade 3 workbooks and told him we'd do one page in each book plus flash cards for his multiplication every night until the books were finished. He was only minorly reluctant but by the time we finished flash cards he was actually in a learning spirit.When we were finished, he put away his books in a way that looked bittersweet. I thought back to the half dozen Nanny 911's I've watched and it occured to me that the time I just spent with Brandon was the nicest we'd had in a while. I often criticize and reproach him for this and that, it isn't often that I get to tell him how proud of him I am, or how glad I am to spend time with him. So as I started to prepare the dinner I asked him if he'd like to help. I would even teach him how to use the sharp knife. I've never seen him so quietly excited. He likes it when I show him about cooking. I've let him make hamburgers and kraft dinner and stir up other foods on the burner, and he's always been rapt with attention (not something a mother of an ADD child can say often) So he cut up veggies with me and together we made our dinner. I even took it a step further, when we were deciding herbs to add to the salad, I asked him to find a few that he thought would taste good in it.
This was a priceless moment. "How do I know what would be good mom?" "Read the label honey, most of them say what they taste good in" He scoured my spice cupboard and found the exact 3 I would have chosen. He was floored that he could do it without me standing over him. I felt so good seeing him that happy.
Which leads me to this morning. I went for my walk bright and early at 6:30 got home, started the laundry, tidied up dishes, and made up little man's lunch. The best part is that I got it all done before 8 when I wake him up for school. So for the first time in such a long time I don't remember I had breakfast with my son. After we were done breakfast and he had come back from brushing he teeth he took his turn to floor me. "Mom, do we have any puzzles?" "Sure honey, about a dozen of them, not even opened" "Can we do a puzzle together?" I nearly cried. My son, after only one day of me making time for him, wants to start making time for me. I think this is a great start to a wonderful friendship. I am so blessed.

The weight of the world

I hate back to school. This is a relatively new rite of passage for me being as I've only had to do it twice now, but good Goddess it sucks. There is the frantic rushing for the back to school clothes, school supplies, registration dates and then on the morning of: CHAOS. "Where is your new backpack?" "Uh, I think I left it at Mikayla's" "... Mikayla moved two weeks ago!!!!" "I don't know..." Oh here it is, behind your door (complete with 3 week old hotdog and spilt pop) And it just went downhill from there. The thing that really gets me, is that I probably had it better than most parents. My back to school list was made easy by a wonderful ex-mother-in-law who paid for it all. Well except for the backpack, which was thrown out this morning due to a broken zipper - brand new bag and the zipper breaks under the weight of lunch, new shoes, and a pencil case! The kid now gets to use a Mountain Equipment Coop bag of James' that was meant for hiking.. At least the zipper won't give out; it doesn't have one.
All and all this last weekend was something. Sunday was the real treat. We spent 5 hours shopping and 4 hundred dollars in the process. Which was about a hundred too much for our budget. Now I have to go and ask my friend who owes me about 8 grand to send me a few dollars. Why is it that I feel like a begger asking for what's mine? Anyhow that's neither here nor there, the important things to note here are that I'm still doing my daily walks (except for yesterday because after 5 hours shopping my ankle injury was making all kinds of noise) and when I went shopping this week I managed to put more veggies in the house than I've seen since we moved here. It's a nice change to see all that fresh stuff.
Got the word from my new ma-in-law that she'll be coming up for Thanksgiving. That's about 7 weeks away. I'm hoping to be another 10 lbs lighter by then. The last time I talked to her I got to tell her it was my last day smoking, last night when I talked to her again, I got to tell her that it was my 4 week mark. It would be a real feather in my cap to show her a healthier looking me. I don't understand why her opinion means so much to me, but it does. Helen is the most wonderful point of inspiration. She use to be like me, a secretary. She went back to school while raising teenaged boys and became a marine microbiologist.... She's still a size 7 and more over than that looks to be in her late thirties even though she's nearly 54. But I think the most important thing is that I'm madly in love with her little boy, and I want to prove to her that I'm worthy of keeping him. What that has to do with my weight... well nothing I guess, but it has always been a sore spot for me (even when I was 50 lbs lighter) I guess we all have our burdens to bear.
So things I'm working on...
Lose 10 lbs by Thanksgiving
Pay off all my monthly bills and NOT be in the overdraft
Eat more fresh fruits and veggies
Stay a non-smoker
Keep up my daily routine of walking
Keep up my daily routine of girly stuff (hair, face, nails)
and my new one just in time for school...
Put Brandon on a regular homework schedual

Acting Lacking

Acting Lacking. This is a military term used to describe a person who is in a job, but lacking the appropriate qualifications. And last night I told my honey this is what he has been doing in the job of step-dad to my son. We were in bed discussing our day, and I was telling him how I was frustrated with some of my little guy's behaviours. Like most nine year olds, mine has a tendency to do or say without thought. When he does that, I generally end up yelling at him for the result is often potentially dangerous or just darn right dumb. My honey, ever my white knight, offered to do some of the bellowing for me. This is where I kind of lost it. I told him straight up that as much as I would like for him to take some of that burden from me, I couldn’t have him do it because he and son-son don't have much of a relationship. If I yell at him, Brandon knows that I do so even though I love him and sometimes because I love him. If James yells at him, there is no real foundation there to temper the bad with good. It's all about balance and James just doesn't have much weight on either end of the scale. I think I sort of one-shotted my honey. I don't think he realized he wasn't being very dad-like. We talked some more and decided that we each need to spend more time with Brandon. So early this morning, James spoke with Brandon and asked if the two of them could start doing things together. Brandon was ecstatic! James asked if Brandon would like to learn about electronics because that's something that James is good at. Brandon jumped right on that train, asking if he could build a robot. Well a robot is a little advanced, but I believe before he's twelve we might have one :) I'm not sure what little man and I will do together, but I'm sure we'll come up with something.
As for my step 5, last night I came up with a two week meal plan of healthy meals and did my morning walk just a while ago. Healthy living here I come.

I'm better than I thought I was

God I love tests... I've always been good at them. Yesterday I went forth to my local temp agency for my interview. I've never seen someone so excited as was my placing agent looking at my scores (a hundred across the board - basic, intermediate, and advanced, OhMyGod I've just never seen it ever!*gush gush etc ad naseum) It felt awesome. I'm very happy because this means that I'm at the top of her booking list. I should be gainfully employed within days. BooYeah for me!

Yesterday also marked the return of my son from his father's one week visit. It never ceases to amaze me how daft my ex can be. He took son-son off his ADD meds because he was too mellow and the other children weren't having any fun with him. Ok, I can understand that children who seem attentive to what they are doing don't seem as vivacious and children running and screaming around a pool or tv screen but where's the harm in having him paying attention to a game he's playing or book he's reading or hell even if he's focused on his swimming strokes. Not yelling does not equal not having fun. So I get him back hyped up on pop and junk food so bad that he's dropping his drinks, unable to sit, or stand, or put together 5 words to make a basic sentence yet I'm the bitch because he's on his meds in the summer (or weekends or christmas break) UM HELLO these are potent chemicals dealing with the inner workings of our son's brain. Isn't it likely that abrubtly removing the chemical will do more harm than good. Goddess knows it wasn't my idea to put him on the f'n meds in the first place, but now that he's on them to randomly start and stop giving them to him can't be good. I'm so glad we finally have a pediatrician that I can talk to. Of course I have to wait until October to see him. Crap. K, venting done and I feel better.

Went for my run/walk again today. Once again I made it about 1/4 way around the block before I had to walk the rest of the 3 laps but some is something which is better than yesterday. I skipped yesterday. I feel sort of bad about that. Mostly because between the interview and waiting for little man to come home I did nothing. No walk, no cooking, no cleaning. I did alot of the vegging thing. I'm not going to beat myself up for it.
I'm delving into my step 5. I guess you can call it research. I'm looking up healthy meals to prepare for myself and the family. I know that I've been eating too much over ... welll ... my lifetime so it's time to start getting back to the basics. Meal planning, portion control, chewing.... yes even chewing. Anyone that has ever seen me eat knows that I don't chew enough. I generally wait until I'm ravenous before I eat, and end up stuffing myself silly as fast as I can and regretting it seriously afterwards. I discussed meal planning with James, who agrees that it would make everything much simpler (for me) and is basically head bobbing from there. Nothing like passive reinforcement. I shouldn't complain, at least he is supportive. This is better than most people get. I'm sure his head bobbing here is much like my head bobbing when he starts talking about frequencies, wavelengths, milliamps and whatnots that just don't interest me at all but are the building blocks to one of his favorite hobbies and upcoming profession. We'll see how the family reacts to more beans and veggies vs. sweets and whatnots... Hell we'll see how I cope with it. I've had a massive sweet tooth as of late! Wish me luck.