Crying

It's been months since I've cried. Last night I had a big one. It's funny because I had a great (well not bad) day. Testing this software has been a little this side of insipid. I'm sure it will be more interesting when we have a new software, rather than the proven one we've been working with.
Anyhow, so I come home last night, helped Brandon with his homework, got a neighborhood boy to mow the lawn, made the supper, ate the supper, did reading time with Brandon, sent him off to bed, watched the one t.v. program I make time for every week (House), cleaned up the dishes and got the lunches ready for the next day.
As soon as I hit my bedroom and closed the door, I bawled like a baby. Little things just got to me. My boss saying my hair reminds him of Cousin It, not going for my walks because 5am is just too damn early, hitting a plateau with my weight loss because I'm not walking anymore and generally just feeling like I'll never to to make any of my dreams come to pass because I'm too busy looking out for everyone else. I feel like I've wasted so much time. I meant to do the quit smoking, exercise, get fit thing when we got to Kingston, and I didn't. I had ten months where I didn't do much of anything when I could have and now when I've committed myself to working, and making sure that Brandon catches up scholastically, and taking better care of myself, I feel like I'm faltering. My life is becoming a well choreographed dance that has me plie-ing and pirroetting through my 17 waking hours without pause. Is this it? Is this the life I've been working towards? Or is this like high school and college where you just have to put in the time to make it to the other side.
When James found me there in bed, still obviously upset (I'd finished my crying episode though) he asked what he can do to help. I told him the truth, there is just so much that I do in conjunction with other things that there isn't much he can do. But to make us both happy, he said he can/will supervise some of little man's homework so I can go out for my walk. I'm hoping that it will work out ok. I would like to have the time. So love my honey for trying to give it to me.