Oh Wow!

I remember that it was just Halloween and I was going to do my monthly update and now it's nearly the middle of the month. What a rollercoaster ride this last few days has been.
I've been back and forth over my familial anguish, and I just can't see how they're worth the effort of my being angry, sad, hurt, or whatever other feelings get trudged up. Then there is my mother's chiding in my head, ever reminding that blood is thicker than water; family first; charity begins at home. What's funny is that she had disowned her own father, and went almost eight years not speaking to her sister. Am I trying to live into her example? Or am I following another of her adages "Do as I say, not as I do." I don't know. The truth is I love my father, and brother both. And I hate them. A great part of me would like to forget them as easily as they do me. That's really the heart of it right there, though. I hate to be ignored. With them, though, I most always am. I'm that black sheep that is either pitied, and therefore treated like some good-for-nothing, or pushed so far back from view as not to be there at all. I really resent that. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't see why I am less than. So I waffle. I have a right to be angry, I think, but as neither of them is able to string together more than 3 thoughts to make a cohesive sentence regarding their feelings, I am doomed never to know. What's worse is trying to force the issue, cause then I get a bunch of backpeddling and accusations. It's easier to fight on the defensive. Or if you're my father, give up on the defensive. So freaking annoying. They're both emotional idiots and they wonder why they are continually stuck in relationships that are unfuffilling. Nah, I'm not bitter.
On to other things, the beta testing is finally complete. Holy Hannah, what a relief. I've learned two things from this experience. 1) I am REALLY good at quality assurance testing. Of the 175 bugs that our team collectively found on this project, I personally found 40% of them. Alot of them were A type bugs to boot. That rocks. 2) I really don't like working directly with people. I like working near people, I like having people to chat with at breaks and whatnot, but I really dislike other people's habits. The obnoxiously loud talker; (formerly me, never realized how bloody annoying it is to have someone constantly at a decibal level that hurts your ears- NEVER again, I promise); the snuffler; the Jesus freaks; the multilevel marketer; and my personal favorite the shy young guy who's married to a woman old enough to be his mother, and raising a kid old enough to be a younger sibling! In his defense though, she is really pretty.
I also learned that I really want to have a more demure attitude. There was this lovely lady working with us, and she embodied a side of me that I really want to explore. Something more innocent, more pristine. I don't have to be a know-it-all. And it might be fun not to lay all of what I do know out on the table at once. Marcelle was really one of those rare people that is 'better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt' kinda people. Not that I think that she was a fool, quite the opposite in fact. It is something that I will be mindful of in the future.
Speaking of the future, mine is racing forward to greet me. Yesterday we got the posting possibilities for graduation. Looks like we'll be moving to Cold Lake. In Mid-February, or at the latest the first of March. I know that this shouldn't surprise me any, but it does. I've just got settled and into a kind of routine, I'm feeling good about where am I and what I'm doing. Bang, you're moving! I'm scared witless. What if this move hits me as hard as the last one did? I don't want to spend 8-10 months in a funk like I did during this move.
On a positive note though, James and I did up our 5 year plan and it looks good. A lot of it is optimistic, and based on my working (that could be difficult seeing we're moving to a town with 12,000 people and 75% of those people are militarily based) but on the whole it is realistic and will see us in our own home within three years. It would be sooner but with us planning a new car in one year, a wedding shortly thereafter and a baby after that... 3 years is what we'll need to save up the money we'll need for the downpayment.
I guess I'll save the goal recap for another post. This one is long enough. Love to you my Kagami, and to you my Auntie (if you read this) and to whoever else stops by.