Baby Blues

"Did it break?"

"Uh, I don’t think so. It’s missing!"

And so the old story goes. Obviously, my sweetheart and I had a little accident. By the time we noticed that the damn condom had come off, it was too late. I got to work today, and wouldn’t ya know it? By the ovulation counter, it was my most fertile day in the whole month.
Sooo, there you have it. What to do now? Well, the first question is "Do I want a baby?"
The answer is, "Well, no… not really."

Ok, so define not really.

"Well, with my first child… it was an accident. I was faithfully taking my pills only to find out that I have a somewhat rare brain tumor, called a prolactinoma that can do (and did) funny things to my body. My pill was rendered useless by this funny tumor, and viola… pregnancy.
Now, I believe that abortion is a right that should be left up to each woman, but I didn’t believe it was right for me. So I had my daughter, and gave her up to a family whom I know, trust and respect. She, by the way, is twelve now and is blossoming into the most amazing person I’ve ever known.
With my son, well, he was an accident too. I was using an IUD. I was also told that it should be replaced every three years. (wrong – try every 5) I was further told that I should wait a minimum of three months before replacing it (wrong again – a new device can be put in the same day) So, just this one time I wasn’t being careful, and got caught. This time I had my initial feeling of abortion is not good for me, with the added weight of knowing that giving up another baby would probably kill me emotionally. So I got married instead. (wrong move there too, but my son is the light of my life so I’m glad for that mistake) Huh… So now yesterday I had an oops. The likelihood of a baby resulting is pretty darn good. It would be another mistake. Logic dictates that this can’t go anywhere good.

But… (here it comes)

I love my honey. I would love to have his baby. Part of me wants us to go through the tummy rubs, the kicking, and the sending hubby out for pickles and ice cream… I would love to see the glisten in his eyes when he sees our newborn for the first time. I want to experience with him the pains of the terrible two’s, the anxiety of the first day at school. All the joys, pains, triumphs and heartaches that come with the raising of children I want to share with him. This is in my power to do. Many people don’t have this awesome opportunity.
We talked about it. We discussed our preparedness. The end all be all is that though we would both love to take advantage of this golden opportunity, we’re not ready. If we were ready it wouldn’t be an oops. We would have been planning for a baby.
So we went to the Dr. and got the morning after pill. I took it, and now the chance has passed.

There will be no baby, and by all that is right and holy there never really was.

However, I’m left struck by the notion that I have lost something entirely too precious.
Or is it the feeling that once again, I’ve screwed up. You see, just after I had my daughter I had a horrific and ultimately veritable thought. If I hadn’t been such a screw-up, I could have kept my daughter. I had to give away a person, a child… not any child, MY child because I wasn’t together enough. When I got pregnant with my son, I tried my best to put it together last minute so I wouldn’t be as much of a screw-up, but ultimately again I was. So here it is again, another chance… and it is squandered. And I’m still a screw up. Less so than last time, far less than the first… but still I’m not together yet, am I?
The answer to that question is the same as the answer to my first question,

"Well no… not really"