Bliss

Bliss is described as extreme happiness, or ecstasy. There is also another definition that describes it as the ecstasy of salvation, spiritual joy.

I think that I’m evolving into a state of bliss. It’s been a long time coming too. I’ve been searching for bliss for most of my life. I often took solace in momentary happinesses, and shallow personal victories, but I never really found the elusive bliss that I hunted.

Just before my mom passed a year ago, I found a spirituality that worked for me. It suited my understanding of the divine. I felt a peace that I had not expected. In those first few months, I began to understand more about myself. More than I had in the years of inflexion I had spent prior. I thought then, perhaps I was close to bliss.

Well then my mother up and died on me, which spun my whole world upside down. The greatest protection bubble of my life, popped and suddenly gone as if it had never been. Yet somehow, and with strength not of my own, I’m sure, I remained for the most part very calm, very aware, and even Zen like serene. That’s not to say I haven’t had my moments. I’ve cried, I’ve hated her, hated my Gods for taking her, I’ve tried every prayer known to man for that one last moment that is exclusive to us. I had those prayers answered, but of course it didn’t come quite the way I wanted. It never does, does it?

Through most of this very disturbing time, I was alone. I had family that I couldn’t understand, because of course their grief and grieving are alien to me. Friends that tried their best to console, but I just couldn’t admit to them I was grieving and I didn’t want their help. And through most of this, I remained calm. Comforted by the knowledge that I was being looked after, and the best was yet to come. (My personal mantra)

The best is always around the corner, and around that particular corner was my James. Quiet, unassuming, never in a million years would you pick him out of a crowd, James. He has become such an important part of my life. I am ever grateful for the universe spinning in such a direction that our paths crossed.

I have found in him the best friend that could truly know my heart, inside and out, and some times even without words. I have found in him, someone who without trying encourages my better self to step up and take control of my life, and puts my lazier self in the back seat for a snooze. I feel stronger with him, and he doesn’t need to be anywhere around. I feel no pressure to be anyone but myself, whether that be the more energetic me; or the dark and broody me; or the sloth-like me; or the panic-frustrated me. I don’t know why it is so reassuring to have someone who approves of you just as you are, but it is.

He understands and shares my ideals, if not my faith. Our paths are similar in nature, but at the same time, just a little different… Sort of like Jehovah and Catholic… Similar faiths, but different in practice. We talk about everything together, mundane things; spiritual things; ideas and ideals; what makes us happy; what makes us sad; how we feel about the problems in Afghanistan; ( He’s a soldier, so there are some definite opinions there) and everything in between. He is able to meet me on every level, and generally we meet there as equals. If one isn’t strong in any given area, the other is, and can help facilitate understanding, or pick up the slack altogether. It is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Hands down. Although James contributes to my overall feeling of bliss, he isn’t the cause of it.

I’ve always been a kind of narcissist, I’ve always sort of focused on what I want, what I need, why am I happy, why am I not etc. It’s something I’m aware of, and I do try to curb. It’s important to me that I try to be at least, less self-involved. I try to help others, be sensitive to the needs of others, and most of all focus on someone (anyone really) other than myself for a good portion of the day. This is all part of making amends for being self-centered. I do have a whole spiraling train of thought on that, I’ll have to get into it eventually, but later. I’m digressing. My original point is that in being narcissistic I’ve always wanted more. In my description, it says that I’m looking for more.

In thinking about it the other day, I wondered what more do I want?
The answer: Nothing.
I have everything I need. Everything I truly want, I already hold. And therein is the answer to my bliss. I don’t need to know the answers to the universe, I don’t have to fight injustice… though sometimes I know I’ll want to, I don’t need oodles of money, or fancy things. I’ve found a balance in my life. I’ve brought everything: work; home; family; love; spirituality; friends; money; community; into a harmony within the boundaries of my life. And I feel bliss.
Everything is right in my world, and I don’t need a thing.