Once upon a week or two

Sorry for the delay.... I may have no minions, but hey, at least I have fans...err friends. :o)
The last two weeks have been something else altogether. I'm quitting smoking - I'm not entirely happy about the quitting, but the patch keeps me from ripping the heads off others - which is a very good thing.

Renovations are still very much happening, but they are on hold for the time being. The master bedroom is complete (super thanks be to all of my wonderful friends that pitched in to keep the renovation Nazi from killing me – or vice versa), and I get to have a real closet that can hold all of my thousands of pounds of clothes in one place. Hooray for big closets, and a boyfriend with a small wardrobe.

The master bedroom - Well I got to say it looks marvelous. I have a super huge cherry oak bedroom suite, which just fits as long as you put the tall boy in another room. But using the dapper tan as a wall colour brought out the cherry and kept the room light enough that you don't feel that the room is closing in on you. The headboard on the bed is massive, and I'm running into a serious sway problem when the bed is in recreation mode. Still trying to figure out how to stabilize it. I may need a whole other room/bed for recreation. (Insert quizzical Spock-lookin smiley here)

The altar room is painted (the same dapper tan) and floored, but all of the baseboards and trim need to be painted yet, and the door hung before it’s ready.
The kid’s room, well let me just say I’m glad for the kids sake’s that they aren’t here. It looks like a small bomb went off in there and finding anything proves to be more than a chore. It’ll take a week just to find the floor.

The upstairs bathroom could be my greatest triumph but at the moment is proving to be quite a let down. I haven’t gotten around to cleaning up any of the work-related mess in there. Add to that it needs to be used daily, so put all the regular mess in as well. And it too needs a door to be hung. I’ll get to that – just as soon as I find the screws!

The rest of the house I took the time to clean, but the upstairs…. Erg!
ON TO THE GOOD NEWS.

It’s been 9 months but I finally went back to work. After mom died last year, I just didn’t want to do it. Ick, not that many people actually want the daily grind. I suppose I probably could have. I just really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was still struggling. Anyhow, after many months of renovations, and spending sprees, and all things that make your bank account groan, I’m back on the job. Can’t you just hear the sigh of relief coming from the bank account? LOL Anyhow I have a nice desk job that keeps me busy, most of the time. The people here are great and when I actually get hired on (I went through a temp agency) the union that these guys have will see that I’m making anywhere from 18 – 25 bucks an hour. I don’t care what anyone says, money is important, and that kind of money makes for a nicer standard of living.

So once again, the universe that likes to give me the occasional spin put me right back where I never expected that I’d be, and somehow I’m happier than I thought possible.

I have a boyfriend that loves me more than just about anything else in his world – and I love him back equally as much.
I have good friends – some of the best actually.
I have family that would fight for me, or with me – whichever I need.
I have a great house – Mortgaged up to my ass of course, but it’s mine.
I have a car – and it actually gets me from point A to point B without me having to worry.
Now I have a good job to help pay for all the extra goodies in life.
I don’t know exactly how I got here, but it’s a great place to be.

Being productive is fun

So far this week all I've done is renovate. Most of this is because of my brother of course. We decided two months ago to get this done. The time came, and now no matter how much I protest, he's here. I tell ya, when he sets his mind to do something, nothing in the world will stop him, because it's my place, I have to help. Good Goddess, I'd hate to think of what he'd do without me, never mind the fact it wouldn't be fair.
So anyway, this week my brother, my boyfriend and I have installed floors in the master bedroom, the hall, the ritual room and the bathroom. And we've put the first coat of new paint in the master bedroom. I'm exhausted, but I'm happy. It's amazing how that is. Spend three days on the couch watching tv, and you're exhausted and feeling drained, but spend it doing something productive and you're exhausted but at the same time exhillerated. I can't wait until it's all finished. It's going to be so nice not having to live in the kid's bedroom. They don't have any closet space!
So I haven't thought any deep thoughts, and I haven't contemplated the evils in life that I or anyone else does, all I've done is work. It's no wonder that in days of yore there was less to fight about, everyone was too busy working. Fathers in fields, mothers at home, childeren at school. Everyone had a job to do, and at the end of the day it was enough to just sit for a moment or two before bed, enjoying the quiet company of family; happy that another day had been lived.
For the last three days I've lived that happiness. All is good.

The games people play

A thought occured to me while I was putting in my new floors. This blog. When I posted my first, I was ranting, it was for me and I was standing on a little soapbox to rant. No game there. Then I got two replies and an email where I believed I was being attacked, and I vollied back. No real game there. But somewhere between there and realizing that I was fighting more for the sake of fighting, I started playing games. I started following rules of engagement. I'd only pick up the little verbal dodgeballs of phrases thrown at me to throw back. To make matters worse, I would only using those balls when I could still throw them back with a kind of self-righteous impunity.
And when I was out and out wrong, (throwing a medicine ball that could not be thrown back easily) I called a time out, I went got back that ball that was intended to smack Luthien right in the face and called foul on myself. I took the ball out of play, and did it so specifically so I would look at myself as a better person for it. How is that not a game?
I AM one of those people that say 'I hate the games people play'. How did I miss it in myself?
Is it possible to see a game for a game, when the game disguises itself as real life? Is it possible to say to oneself "Whoa, I'm serving my own interest here, and by doing so, not doing the right thing by others involved"? How do you gracefully bow out, when in the heat of life, to say "I've started playing a game with you, that is not right or fair to you" and not still be playing? Wouldn't that be a strategic withdrawl? I'm confused as to where the line is.
Is it possible to lead a regular life, not play head games with those people who are in that 'regular life'?
Then there is the flip side of the coin. When someone is playing a game with you, how can you distinguish a game from honesty?
Brandon (sorry for using you as reference) thought I was playing a game in my first post. I wasn't. But by my second post I was. I must have been, by then I was using my rules of engagement. But if I didn't know I was playing a game at the time, then who's to say when it became a game? If the person playing games doesn't know it to be a game, when it is....arrg, it's just so confusing and circular. A great big catch-22.
Is there an easy way to recognize and stop playing games? If there is, is it the right thing to do? The only people I can think of that wouldn't play games are people like Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and the Dali Lama. They each give/gave selflessly but they lead/led very solitary lives. Public but on the whole, solitary. Maybe there's the answer. To not play games, you can't get or be close to people. You can do for people, you can love people, but you must remain apart from people. Maybe to be a part of (community, family, friends) you resign yourself to a game from time to time, and keep the hope that there isn't too much collateral damage.
The thought strikes me as sad, but I don't see any other easy answer.

Today...

Today I was sent this and another poignant email, each of these reminded me that there are better things to do, and better ways to be. I don't know how it is that I forget the simplest of truths. They don't change, and yet I constantly need reminding. There isn't always tomorrow. I'm altogether painfully aware of that.
In the last week I have poured all of my energy into fighting. I have poured every spare second into my anger. I have neglected myself, I have neglected my boyfriend, I have neglected to call my family. To what end?
Perhaps the lesson I ended up getting out of it was worth it, but what about everyone else in my world that has been put on hold whilst I sorted it out? Was it worth it to them?
While I was dealing with my own rage, was it fair to tell my brother to piss off? Was it fair to leave my boyfriend sleeping on his own, when he wanted nothing more than to soothe me? Was it fair to me?
The short answer is no.
So today I start anew, today I begin again with love in my heart. I will follow the example I was sent via email, and today I will make a difference.


TODAY I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE ---

by Max Lucado

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble. . I will get up. It's OK to fail. I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.

Today I will make a difference.

One more time... With Feeling

That other thing was getting WAY to long. I couldn't keep scrolling up and down, my poor finger was cramping.

First to Brandon (cause you must be the first - sorry couldn't help it lol)

After reading my reply to you, well I gotta apologize. I was so emotionally drained by then, I'm surprised I could string together two thoughts. You were explaining yourself to me, and I was snide and bitchy. I'm sorry. Your reasons are your own, and they were valid. I have to apologize again, for my own ignorance and intollerance. It is a further lesson to me that there is a reason that people do what they do, and it is for a reason of their own understanding. Sometimes, it really is not for me to understand. That being said, I appreciate the knowing, and the understanding you have shown in the face of my intollerance and ignorance. I further appreciate knowing your why in all of what went on, because believe it or not, that is how I understand myself. It wasn't so long ago I told another friend of mine why I go places to sit and watch other people. I watch others, their behaviours etc. so I can apply what I see to my own life. I'm still trying to know fully who I am, and in your responses, not only have I learned about you, I've learned a lot about myself. Mostly in a 'what not to do' context, but still I have learned and for that I can only offer my thanks.
And as far as I'm concerned... Go ahead and swear... sometimes the adjectives serve to either lighten the mood or set the tone. In writing, the only inflection is the the one assumed. (and we all know that I'm queen of the assumptions)
From your other post, well I'm gonna thank you again. Your comments, though probably unintended, deserved their own 'Mastercard Moment' Priceless!!

On to Luthien

Thank you for your dictionary finness, it's nice to know that you can read and copy. That shows some IQ (Sorry Just Me, I'm hoping that my contempt for your student and his "consort" won't offend now that I'm directing my comments to them or her in this particular case.)
To your first question: ... wait a minute... where's the question there?
K, gonna go on an assumption here (please refer to your post for the definition) but I think you were trying to ask whether or not I was assuming I had all of the facts. Yes I have much of the facts, probably not all, but enough to base what I believe to be an informed decision. What I do have is about two dozen pieces of paper with all of the comments regarding this issue. I also know personally, Dorothy's side of this issue. I also know that the whole story, had nothing to do with you, or maybe now it does since your beginning to work at Faeries. You'll, I'm sure, come to know first hand the very things that Dorothy was dismayed about. (small disclaimer here: I have not, nor will I say anything derrogatory about Where Faeries Live or the owners therein. I have nothing but respect for Jackie (and Terry - though she's not an owner) and I know nothing about Annette so I will refrain from speaking about her altogether)
The things I do not know that may be of some use in this conversation are:
What goes on in the all-important hush-hush ritual meetings.
The feelings of Jackie, Terry, or Annette on this issue.
The reason why you and your boyfriend are so venemous towards Dorothy, Kagami Maro, Kriggi, and now myself regarding this issue. (hmm, perhaps I do know why you and your boyfriend are so pissed with me... could it be that it is my feeling that you two are full of yourselves?)
As for others being aware of the whole story... Hmm, have you told these others about your actions in all of this. Have you told these others about your personal conduct, and that of your boyfriend. Did you mention all of the verbal attacks and cries of karmic retribution? Did you mention to any of these 'others' how you personally 'put out fires' with hostile words and threats? I let you answer before I call bullshit.
Do I think I'm in a movie? No, the comment of "that's life in the big, bad, city" is something my mom use to say to trivialize a comment. James' mother says "and life is hard in Hawaii too" My grandfather use to say " when you back up on to a buzz saw, whose to say what tooth cut the deepest" Hmm, there's some food for thought.
There was a question that was brought forth to the community. It was "What do we want from the Pagan Businesses that we support?" Sure there was a lot of other stuff in there, and most of it was coming from a personal beef, that was brought to the surface when Christine was fired. The fact that Dorothy was forced out, and then Christine's subsequent firing really only served as the catalyst to why the post came into being. Dorothy was putting her personal perspective on why she posed the question. Was all of the post necessary? To Dorothy it was. To you, to me even, it was apparent that there was some hostility. Had she just asked the question with no background, I'm sure we would have had a wonderful and happy discussion. The problem as I see it, is that you, and some others, object to her bringing out her personal feelings about one store in particular, and it's business practices. Those practices I know nothing about personally, only what has been told to me, so I'll leave that thought there.
As for leaving it (the whole it and nothing but the it) alone, I don't think I want to. This particular issue is not going to go away without there being an open discussion, free from anger and resentment.
I will also interject here, that is why I'm bothering to reply to you and your boyfriend. Russ got his email as to my thoughts on him, and in a smaller context you. Now I'm telling you why I'm pissed. Perhaps by clearing the air of the hostility, on all sides can we go back to the fun loving bunch that I remember us being at witch camp.
Back on to your comments, I believe that you are right in saying that Dorothy's issues with the shop are her issues, and they should be dealt with by those directly involved.
My particular issue is with you and your boyfriend and how you handled yourselves. My perception of your involvement and said actions are that you (and this is an assumption) must feel that you are superior to the rest of us community members because of your involvement on the ritual team. I make that assumption, because why else would you and Russ so rashly jump on Dorothy's and subsequently Kagami Maro's posts, and then go a step further and make yourselves into martyrs and cut down Kriggi. Your words to these people are reprehensible. I am, more than anything else, calling them into question.
Russ may not claim to be an Elder, but it appears that he thinks his position in our community is one that demands respect. His position on the ritual team does not demand respect, but it offers it to him. His words and deeds are what contradict that respect, and it is why not only do I have a lack of respect for him, I have a (current) seething contempt for him, and you.
Your threats of fate, and karma... well let's just say, it's getting old.
Now we're going to get to the good part. My involvement in the community.
I started coming to this community in April of last year. I went to one ritual, and was just starting to get involved when wham! I come home to find my mother, whom I'd been caring for, dead. That's right, you self rightous bitch. Dead. I found my mother lying in a pool of her own vomit, purple and not breathing. Dead from a heart attack. I didn't have the time, energy or anything else left in me in those following months to do much of anything but grieve.
I went to witch camp, most just because it was already paid for, got a little more get up and go, and tried to put my life back together.
When I returned to the community I jumped on board.
I helped with the Witches Ball
driving around to get door prizes
contributing door prizes
taking the food to the hall
helping out in the kitchen
helping put out the prizes ( labeling and such)
helping behind the bar
Then I helped out with the Samhain ritual
I found the trees, and helped paint the Tree of Gondor for Raven
I transported those same trees
I bought the moon that was used in the ritual
I helped with the set up and take down of the ritual
Then I helped out with the Yule ritual
I went and got back the tree that was used
I contributed the apples that were toasted
I made arrangements for the computer and projector so the stars could be shown inside
I bought the clamps so the screen could be put up
I bought some of the sheets used in the screen
Again I helped with the set up and take down, actually I was one of the four that were last to leave after all that was done.
And now in the spirit of helping this community, I'm dealing with my contempt with you, and your boyfriend, so my energy isn't screwing up future rituals.
How is that for what I've done for this community? Is that enough, or do I need to be on the ritual team to count, like you and Russ are?
As for who I think I am, as I said to your boyfriend, I am a person. I have all of the same rights as you do. As for you caring less, well let's just say that seems to be your mode of operations... damn those who may oppose all mighty Krista and Russ... Who cares why, damn them anyway.
I'll agree wholeheartedly that Respect, Truth, Trust and Honor have been disregarded. Everyone has walked away with their own misgivings, and not said that which needed to be said ages ago. This is what I needed to say. I would love to hear what it is that you and Russ have to say. Not about Dorothy and her dismay, I think that's been covered. I would like to hear you defend yourselves about your own actions. Let that be the discussion. Let me hear why you think you're so special. Why you and Russ over everyone else that contributes? Why is yours always the last hurtful remark to be spoke. Everyone else may want to keep their respective hurts to themselves, but I want to know. When you slammed Kagami, you hurt me. When you slammed Kriggi, you hurt me. When you slammed Dorothy, you hurt me. I will no longer stand for you hurting those I love. Bring your dagger then to my chest, because as you attacked each of them, you attacked me, and I'd prefer that the dagger go to my chest than in their backs.
I'm sure that each of those mentioned in turn, don't need for me to take their blows, but I'm so sick with all of your (and Russ is implied here) hateful remarks that I can no longer be silent.
If I've met my match, I'd like her to step forward. As for us being friends, even in a casual sense, gee I too wish that could happen. I think time could heal this wound, if only you'd clear the infection first.

A quick edit.
Chrysta (sp),
I'm sorry for calling you a self righteous bitch. That was uncalled for. I was angry, and was at the moment feeling quite heated. There was no way you could have known about my mother's passing, and again I would like to sincerely apologize for that part of my post.