For my ever sweet Kagami and her ex Bear

Being a housewife generally doesn't lend itself to heavy thinking. But events of late have given my something to think about and I will post it here for my friends to read and reflect upon.

I will start with Bear.

Dearest Bear,

In the year or so that I've known you, you have proven to be a most unique individual. You are kind and thoughtful, sometimes generous and often put a perspective to life that few contemplate let alone exude. You are gregarious, and so very full of life. WHEN YOU CHOOSE to do so. It was in this way I could not think of a better person to be with my Kagami. In the year and a half that you two were together you have taught her the strength of her will and her conviction; you have taught her a whole new perspective on the paths that life can offer. You have also shown her that she can be loved without condition despite her poor self-image and self-loathing. You helped her to begin her blossoming into the woman she has yet to become.
However!
You are not consistent. You are often brooding and equally as self-loathing as she can be. You do not and have not respected her personal boundaries. You have not, in the last year and a half, given her the support she needs or the time to absorb the feelings and perspectives you present. You often gave ultimatums or the silent treatment. You do not communicate well or in some cases even try to. You had not taken the time (at the time) to try to understand her perspectives. You did not give nearly as much as you took. In this way I believe that Kagami did what she needed to do for her own good. She left you and struck out on her own. She tried to do this in a way that you could understand and her repayment for that was another of your faults in the relationship... suffocation and entrapment. Please reflect upon that.

My sweet Kagami,

Your biggest fault in all of this has been your biggest fault. You refusal to take responsibility for yourself. Don't get me wrong; you are one of the most responsible people I know. BUT you do not own your feelings; you do not own your true intentions. You sugarcoat over your perceived badness. Remember when we talked about you never getting angry? Same thing. You have angry feelings but sugarcoat over the perceived wrongness of anger with hurt (caused by someone else); sadness (at your inability to cope with someone else) or remorse for things beyond your control. You don't COME RIGHT OUT AND OWN what your wants and desires are unless you feel they are acceptable wants and desires to have. In this way you have deceived Bear right from the beginning of your relationship. You hid your (perceived) wrong feelings, desires and needs from him. You did not give him the opportunity to do right by you in that way. I understand that when you gave him the safe bits and bites that you thought he could handle he didn't live up to your expectations of being able to handle more... but it was still a deception, and you need to own that too.
I believe you were right to leave Bear. I believe that you are right in wanting to be with someone else. He appears to be good for you for all the right reasons and in all the right ways. From what you say he gives you everything that Bear did without any of the heartache and tears. I approve of this. I hope that this man will continue to enrich your life. I hope that in time Bear will see your happiness with him and will be happy for your happiness.
HOWEVER!
To say to me that any chance that you and Bear may have had was negated by the fact that he started smoking again is a CROCK OF KAKA! Would you treat me so if I fell off the anti-smoking bandwagon. I think not. You've forgiven me and loved me regardless of how many times I picked back up that filthy habit. To say that you would not do so for Bear is bullshit and you know it.
To say that there is no chance because you found someone who made you happier in one month (or less) than Bear did in over a year is fair. To say that there is no chance because despite your repeated efforts to bring about the man that Bear is underneath his insecurities, he refused to grow as quickly as YOU needed... That is fair. But to say it's because a grieving man turned to an old crutch? Bogus! And I think you know that.
Own your happiness! Own it, and rejoice in it. Just because your happiness came at the cost of a man you professed your love to does not make it any less real. Bear deserves to hear you say that you are happy. He deserves to hear that you didn't plan to find someone so quickly and that you know how bad it looks on you. He deserves to hear that he stands no chance with you ever again because in the end he wasn't right for you. Which means that you weren't right for him.

Both of you!
You each learned so much from each other. You are stronger now than you were before you met. You have learned how to love in the face of hardship. You have learned to laugh with another, how to cry with another, how to talk even when you don't want to, how to put someone else first. Both of you have learned more about love in the last year and a half than you had in the past decade. It was a real love. In the end though, you loved each other as best as you could and it didn't work out. It doesn't make the break up any easier. It won't make the pain go away.
Kagami, you have it easy. You don't have to be alone. You have already found someone to be with. Bear has not and probably will not for a while. He has earned the right to be bitter. (Not that he's shown too much of that bitterness yet) He still cares for you and does not know how he can be a part of your life in the new role as your friend. He needs your time and patience to accomplish that. Bear, you've got to accept that Kagami has someone in her life. You have to accept that she is happy with that someone and try to be happy for her. If you cannot do that you have to cut the ties and move on without her in your life.
I love you both, and I choose you both. I will not turn my back on either of you. Nor will I play any more of a part in your relationship. It is my hope that you two can remain friends. It is my hope that you both can maintain your friendships with me. It is my fondest hope that you both find the love and happiness that you both deserve.