Holiday Cheer

Almost December now. How the time does fly. Cold Lake is now a reality, we have received our tentative posting , tentative being directed towards James passing (a given) his course and the family passing screening. The screening only wants to know if there are any real medical problems (there aren’t) and if the relationship is strong enough to withstand a long term (4 years) posting to a remote (take a left turn at the middle of nowhere and drive 3 more kilometers) area. Our relationship and family dynamic is more than secure, so away we go. Should be all moved over by March 1 at the latest.

Brandon, however, doesn’t do change well. He’s been a basket case ever since we told him about the move and he’s been lashing out all over the place. He’s been giving 2nd or 3rd rate homework effort, teaching him new concepts is a waste of time, he’s been a holy terror to his teachers and he’s been traumatizing his classmates by insisting that there is no Santa. All in all, could be better.

I could do change better too. I’ve been less dedicated with Brandon’s homework. I’ve only just been keeping up with the cooking and cleaning. My grooming (the girlifying) has not been happening at all nor has any of my walks or anything else that would be remotely good for me and honestly I find myself just wanting to puddle and not deal with anything anymore. I’m scared of this mood. Apathy sneaks up on you, and before you know it you’re wallowing. I’m afraid to relax and at the same time I know I need it.

But since it is almost December I should recap October’s goals and take a realistic look at the future of my goal setting.

I want to take off 10 lbs by Halloween – This didn’t happen. Actually since October 1, I’ve put back on 5 lbs. Must stay AWAY from all the lovely sweets that everyone is bringing into work and refrain from making them at home either! Goal for Jan 1 – DON’T GAIN any weight!

I want to reinstate my daily walks but considering my work schedule, I'll make them apres work. This didn’t happen either. After work doesn’t jive because Brandon won’t do any work unless I’m standing over him. My new work schedule is even earlier than before so I have NO idea how to get my walks back.

I will have both of my accounts safely out of their respective overdrafts and continue paying the monthlies as they come in. Additionally I will take the Mastercard down 1000 dollars by Halloween. This I’ve done! I have killed the second chequing account and it’s overdraft. And even though I put 1000 on the MasterCard, the damn interest gobbled up a fair chunck of it, so I decided to get a ING line of credit and pay it, and our two other credit cards off completely. By doing this and getting rid of the other bank account, I’m saving us 250 dollars a month in interest and fees! I’m a financial superstar!

I will continue to eat fresh fruit and veggies and will restrict myself from eating more than two dessert-ish treats a week (I've gotten addicted to hot chocolate again) Still love my hot chocolate but I’m eating lots of veggies still.

I will remain a happy non-smoker. (this one keeps getting easier) Almost 4 months now. Honestly I’ll never smoke again, so I’m just going to take this one of the list.

I will take the time to do a full hair and make-up girlifying once a week and keep up with the routines that I've already established. Yeah, well I do keep up with the daily stuff, but for the most part this is a fancy I just don’t have time for.

I will continue with homework time, although I will encourage as much time as possible to be independant study so Brandon builds self confidence in his own abilities. Encouraging Brandon to do stuff on his own has been a big let down. He will either do nothing, fiddlefuck nothing or oh yeah, waste time doing nothing. I’m so frustrated with the whole thing that I want to turn tail and run. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to either sit with him overseeing everything or give up on his acedemics all together. I can’t do the latter, so I an chained to Grade 4 until we get to Grade 5 and so on. I’m dissapointed, but I don’t have much of a choice in the matter.

So I’m sorry I don’t have better news, and perhaps today was not the best day for an update, but I love you much and I’ll be home soon.

Oh Wow!

I remember that it was just Halloween and I was going to do my monthly update and now it's nearly the middle of the month. What a rollercoaster ride this last few days has been.
I've been back and forth over my familial anguish, and I just can't see how they're worth the effort of my being angry, sad, hurt, or whatever other feelings get trudged up. Then there is my mother's chiding in my head, ever reminding that blood is thicker than water; family first; charity begins at home. What's funny is that she had disowned her own father, and went almost eight years not speaking to her sister. Am I trying to live into her example? Or am I following another of her adages "Do as I say, not as I do." I don't know. The truth is I love my father, and brother both. And I hate them. A great part of me would like to forget them as easily as they do me. That's really the heart of it right there, though. I hate to be ignored. With them, though, I most always am. I'm that black sheep that is either pitied, and therefore treated like some good-for-nothing, or pushed so far back from view as not to be there at all. I really resent that. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't see why I am less than. So I waffle. I have a right to be angry, I think, but as neither of them is able to string together more than 3 thoughts to make a cohesive sentence regarding their feelings, I am doomed never to know. What's worse is trying to force the issue, cause then I get a bunch of backpeddling and accusations. It's easier to fight on the defensive. Or if you're my father, give up on the defensive. So freaking annoying. They're both emotional idiots and they wonder why they are continually stuck in relationships that are unfuffilling. Nah, I'm not bitter.
On to other things, the beta testing is finally complete. Holy Hannah, what a relief. I've learned two things from this experience. 1) I am REALLY good at quality assurance testing. Of the 175 bugs that our team collectively found on this project, I personally found 40% of them. Alot of them were A type bugs to boot. That rocks. 2) I really don't like working directly with people. I like working near people, I like having people to chat with at breaks and whatnot, but I really dislike other people's habits. The obnoxiously loud talker; (formerly me, never realized how bloody annoying it is to have someone constantly at a decibal level that hurts your ears- NEVER again, I promise); the snuffler; the Jesus freaks; the multilevel marketer; and my personal favorite the shy young guy who's married to a woman old enough to be his mother, and raising a kid old enough to be a younger sibling! In his defense though, she is really pretty.
I also learned that I really want to have a more demure attitude. There was this lovely lady working with us, and she embodied a side of me that I really want to explore. Something more innocent, more pristine. I don't have to be a know-it-all. And it might be fun not to lay all of what I do know out on the table at once. Marcelle was really one of those rare people that is 'better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt' kinda people. Not that I think that she was a fool, quite the opposite in fact. It is something that I will be mindful of in the future.
Speaking of the future, mine is racing forward to greet me. Yesterday we got the posting possibilities for graduation. Looks like we'll be moving to Cold Lake. In Mid-February, or at the latest the first of March. I know that this shouldn't surprise me any, but it does. I've just got settled and into a kind of routine, I'm feeling good about where am I and what I'm doing. Bang, you're moving! I'm scared witless. What if this move hits me as hard as the last one did? I don't want to spend 8-10 months in a funk like I did during this move.
On a positive note though, James and I did up our 5 year plan and it looks good. A lot of it is optimistic, and based on my working (that could be difficult seeing we're moving to a town with 12,000 people and 75% of those people are militarily based) but on the whole it is realistic and will see us in our own home within three years. It would be sooner but with us planning a new car in one year, a wedding shortly thereafter and a baby after that... 3 years is what we'll need to save up the money we'll need for the downpayment.
I guess I'll save the goal recap for another post. This one is long enough. Love to you my Kagami, and to you my Auntie (if you read this) and to whoever else stops by.