A short goodbye

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever. I guess I haven't had much to say. Today I have something to say.

Today, I said goodbye to my husband.

Early last summer we got the heads up that he was on the list to go on tour. I got aprehensive. Then we were told that he likely wouldn't go because the primary list was pretty locked up with people that wanted to go. Then in late August they told us that he was a 'primary' alternate. Then in late September he was bumped to the primary list. Now, this morning, he's gone.

I was prepared for this. I knew when we started dating it would happen, eventually. Heck, I even want the tour because it will make things happen for us, financially, that otherwise probably wouldn't.

It's funny because this morning we woke up, like every other day and did our morning routine and I was fine. We shoveled the walk, took out the trash, had our breakfast and coffee, woke up the kid and went to the deployment parade. Then this man said, we're going to do this, that and this other thing, and then you'll have 30 minutes to say goodbye. Guys, you'll need to be on the bus at 6:55.

WHAT?! I only have 30 minutes to say goodbye to the man I love? Are you insane? Our pillow talks when we're dog tired take longer than that.

I started to cry. I didn't want to. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show my honey that I practice what I preach. (I hate the reality tv people who are separated from their families for a few weeks and then whine about how hard it is to be away from them.) I crumbled. I am weak.

The worst thing is was that 30 minutes was the longest I've had in forever. I didn't know what to say. I must have told him I loved him a hundred times. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Moments before, we were laughing about how deep the snow was, talking about his new gadgets, going over the laundry list of items that need to be taken care of, but in those last 30 minutes I had nothing. I only knew that for the next few months I would not have those talks, or the cuddles, or the strength that I have come to depend on. All that is being loaded on a plane, while I am left behind with only his hero picture.

Missing

I heard this for the first time yesterday. It made me think of my dad. Will I ever just get over this? I'm sick to death of it already.

Missing by Evanescence

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one:
"isn’t something missing? "

You won’t cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’d be sacrificed,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
Shudder deep and cry out:
"isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me? "


And if I bleed, I’ll bleed,
Knowing you don’t care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something...

Update

Do you remember what it was to wait with bated breath for Christmas morning? That has been the level of excitement I have been living with for just over two weeks now. The movers will come to pack my house on the 1st of March, but that’s not why I’m excited. James and I will be going to Alberta on a DIT on February 26 for 5 days, but I’m not counting down the days to that. Nor am I on tiptoes for February 16 when James graduates from his course. Nope, I’m waiting for February 15. That is the last day I have to work at this latest posting I’ve been given. I’ve always said that eight hours is too long to be miserable. I’m proving that sentiment daily. I come to work just as happy as a clam, and within minutes my bubble is burst.

My supervisor is about the most disdainful fellow I’ve ever met, and when he tries to be gracious, he tenses up like someone is running nails down a chalkboard. And even at that, the A/P woman makes him look like a treat. She could be the tersest person I’ve ever met. However, at least she makes no pretenses at being affable. I miss ‘low-income hell’. That was my last job. So what the clients were, for the most part, bottom-feeders. The people I worked with were kind and sincere. Oh yeah, and then there was the bit about me being to busy to bitch. Here, it’s feast or famine for work. Right now I’m starving.

In other news, I had a complete meltdown the other day. I got a call from my dad just to say hi, how are you and my favourite “Just wanted to tell ya honey, I love you”. I said “Yep, love you too” and wanted to run for the hills. As much as I’d like to say I’m over it, I’m not. I still feel like an afterthought to my father, and his five minute phone calls after 3+ months of no contact don’t do much to alleviate the feeling. I went upstairs and wept fairly silently until James came up to check on me, Poor James. He’s going to learn to be like every other man and just not ask, because I exploded with the “What the hell was he thinking” and the “How dare he!”, after he asked what my father had said to upset me. It was not pretty, but true to form my honey let me cry it out in his arms and when I was pretty much cried out he tilted up my head, looked deep into my eyes, and said “Well at least he didn’t borrow $12,000.00 from us” (poking fun at his own dad) It was just what I needed. Funny thing is, I haven’t obsessed about it since. Normally I would. It would tear me up for weeks, make me sick even, but this time it just doesn’t seem all that important.

On to things that are important, I’ve decided that I’m going to go back to school. University in fact. I’ve done some research, and I have decided that I will get my Bachelor of Arts in English. I can take it through the University of Athabasca and in a mere 4 (perhaps 5) years I will finally get the letters behind my name that I’ve always wanted. The best part is, that through the University of Athabasca, I can take the courses via distance learning, which means all of my lectures are in print or on tape and I can take them on my schedule. I’m going to take it slow to start. There is so much I need to get done in a day, and I’m thinking that what little free time I have now will be gobbled up, but I’m really excited to get back to Alberta so I can start the balls rolling.

Now this is Love

An old aquaintence sent me the link to this story. I'll admit, reading it aloud makes me cry.

Loving couple 'died together'

Dorothy and Glen Baker, their hands clasped, died within hours of each other.

By PATRICK MALONEY, FREE PRESS REPORTER





When Dorothy Baker died in St. Thomas hospital last week, her husband Glen let go of her hand and followed a familiar pattern that wove through their life together.

Anywhere she went, he followed.

It started the night they met in 1946 at a legendary Port Stanley dance hall, Glen persistently chasing Dorothy down until she agreed to dance.

She booked trips around the globe throughout their marriage, and he gladly went, too.

When he retired, he followed his beloved around the house, reluctantly going out without her.

So it was fitting, their daughter says, that when Dorothy -- who'd long battled a lung affliction -- died in the hospital's palliative unit last Friday, her ill husband lying beside her also died just two hours later.

"As soon as their hands were unclasped, they (the nurses) could start to see my dad fail," Lynn Baker said yesterday.

"They were so devoted, and they loved each other so much, that death didn't part them."

Or, as a doctor overseeing their care said: "It's much more explained by his desire to be with her than by anything I can explain to you medically."

After sparking a romance at the Stork Club, the couple married on June 14, 1947.

They settled in St. Thomas, his home town, to raise Lynn, their only child. Dorothy worked a variety of office jobs while Glen spent about 30 years selling furniture at Eaton's in downtown London.

They lived in the same Churchill Crescent home for 53 years, only moving out in October.

They were, as their daughter puts it, "a kind, little gentle couple who led this simple life in St. Thomas."

Dorothy, 88, was admitted to the palliative unit Nov. 5. Glen, 82, was in and out of hospital two days later but re-admitted permanently with various ailments Nov. 14.

Last Friday, with an unconscious Dorothy's health faltering badly, and Glen also weakening, hospital staff wheeled him into her room and pushed their beds together.

He held her hand for hours before slipping out of consciousness himself.

Dorothy died at her husband's side at 7 p.m. Their hands were unclasped about two hours later as her body was taken away.

That's when Glen's condition unexpectedly worsened.

Within 30 minutes, he, too, died peacefully.

For the hospital staff -- whose compassion was lauded by the family -- it was an overwhelming experience.

"It touched everyone," said Dr. Sharon Baker, who is not related. "The love that they shared . . . it's why we come to work every day."

Fittingly, Glen and Dorothy will be buried together side by side in St. Thomas tomorrow, a love story without end.

"Everybody says he just wanted to be with Dorothy, no matter what," Lynn Baker said. "They had a true, pure love for each other."

"How can you be sad when you know that they're together forever?"

Holiday Cheer

Almost December now. How the time does fly. Cold Lake is now a reality, we have received our tentative posting , tentative being directed towards James passing (a given) his course and the family passing screening. The screening only wants to know if there are any real medical problems (there aren’t) and if the relationship is strong enough to withstand a long term (4 years) posting to a remote (take a left turn at the middle of nowhere and drive 3 more kilometers) area. Our relationship and family dynamic is more than secure, so away we go. Should be all moved over by March 1 at the latest.

Brandon, however, doesn’t do change well. He’s been a basket case ever since we told him about the move and he’s been lashing out all over the place. He’s been giving 2nd or 3rd rate homework effort, teaching him new concepts is a waste of time, he’s been a holy terror to his teachers and he’s been traumatizing his classmates by insisting that there is no Santa. All in all, could be better.

I could do change better too. I’ve been less dedicated with Brandon’s homework. I’ve only just been keeping up with the cooking and cleaning. My grooming (the girlifying) has not been happening at all nor has any of my walks or anything else that would be remotely good for me and honestly I find myself just wanting to puddle and not deal with anything anymore. I’m scared of this mood. Apathy sneaks up on you, and before you know it you’re wallowing. I’m afraid to relax and at the same time I know I need it.

But since it is almost December I should recap October’s goals and take a realistic look at the future of my goal setting.

I want to take off 10 lbs by Halloween – This didn’t happen. Actually since October 1, I’ve put back on 5 lbs. Must stay AWAY from all the lovely sweets that everyone is bringing into work and refrain from making them at home either! Goal for Jan 1 – DON’T GAIN any weight!

I want to reinstate my daily walks but considering my work schedule, I'll make them apres work. This didn’t happen either. After work doesn’t jive because Brandon won’t do any work unless I’m standing over him. My new work schedule is even earlier than before so I have NO idea how to get my walks back.

I will have both of my accounts safely out of their respective overdrafts and continue paying the monthlies as they come in. Additionally I will take the Mastercard down 1000 dollars by Halloween. This I’ve done! I have killed the second chequing account and it’s overdraft. And even though I put 1000 on the MasterCard, the damn interest gobbled up a fair chunck of it, so I decided to get a ING line of credit and pay it, and our two other credit cards off completely. By doing this and getting rid of the other bank account, I’m saving us 250 dollars a month in interest and fees! I’m a financial superstar!

I will continue to eat fresh fruit and veggies and will restrict myself from eating more than two dessert-ish treats a week (I've gotten addicted to hot chocolate again) Still love my hot chocolate but I’m eating lots of veggies still.

I will remain a happy non-smoker. (this one keeps getting easier) Almost 4 months now. Honestly I’ll never smoke again, so I’m just going to take this one of the list.

I will take the time to do a full hair and make-up girlifying once a week and keep up with the routines that I've already established. Yeah, well I do keep up with the daily stuff, but for the most part this is a fancy I just don’t have time for.

I will continue with homework time, although I will encourage as much time as possible to be independant study so Brandon builds self confidence in his own abilities. Encouraging Brandon to do stuff on his own has been a big let down. He will either do nothing, fiddlefuck nothing or oh yeah, waste time doing nothing. I’m so frustrated with the whole thing that I want to turn tail and run. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to either sit with him overseeing everything or give up on his acedemics all together. I can’t do the latter, so I an chained to Grade 4 until we get to Grade 5 and so on. I’m dissapointed, but I don’t have much of a choice in the matter.

So I’m sorry I don’t have better news, and perhaps today was not the best day for an update, but I love you much and I’ll be home soon.

Oh Wow!

I remember that it was just Halloween and I was going to do my monthly update and now it's nearly the middle of the month. What a rollercoaster ride this last few days has been.
I've been back and forth over my familial anguish, and I just can't see how they're worth the effort of my being angry, sad, hurt, or whatever other feelings get trudged up. Then there is my mother's chiding in my head, ever reminding that blood is thicker than water; family first; charity begins at home. What's funny is that she had disowned her own father, and went almost eight years not speaking to her sister. Am I trying to live into her example? Or am I following another of her adages "Do as I say, not as I do." I don't know. The truth is I love my father, and brother both. And I hate them. A great part of me would like to forget them as easily as they do me. That's really the heart of it right there, though. I hate to be ignored. With them, though, I most always am. I'm that black sheep that is either pitied, and therefore treated like some good-for-nothing, or pushed so far back from view as not to be there at all. I really resent that. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't see why I am less than. So I waffle. I have a right to be angry, I think, but as neither of them is able to string together more than 3 thoughts to make a cohesive sentence regarding their feelings, I am doomed never to know. What's worse is trying to force the issue, cause then I get a bunch of backpeddling and accusations. It's easier to fight on the defensive. Or if you're my father, give up on the defensive. So freaking annoying. They're both emotional idiots and they wonder why they are continually stuck in relationships that are unfuffilling. Nah, I'm not bitter.
On to other things, the beta testing is finally complete. Holy Hannah, what a relief. I've learned two things from this experience. 1) I am REALLY good at quality assurance testing. Of the 175 bugs that our team collectively found on this project, I personally found 40% of them. Alot of them were A type bugs to boot. That rocks. 2) I really don't like working directly with people. I like working near people, I like having people to chat with at breaks and whatnot, but I really dislike other people's habits. The obnoxiously loud talker; (formerly me, never realized how bloody annoying it is to have someone constantly at a decibal level that hurts your ears- NEVER again, I promise); the snuffler; the Jesus freaks; the multilevel marketer; and my personal favorite the shy young guy who's married to a woman old enough to be his mother, and raising a kid old enough to be a younger sibling! In his defense though, she is really pretty.
I also learned that I really want to have a more demure attitude. There was this lovely lady working with us, and she embodied a side of me that I really want to explore. Something more innocent, more pristine. I don't have to be a know-it-all. And it might be fun not to lay all of what I do know out on the table at once. Marcelle was really one of those rare people that is 'better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt' kinda people. Not that I think that she was a fool, quite the opposite in fact. It is something that I will be mindful of in the future.
Speaking of the future, mine is racing forward to greet me. Yesterday we got the posting possibilities for graduation. Looks like we'll be moving to Cold Lake. In Mid-February, or at the latest the first of March. I know that this shouldn't surprise me any, but it does. I've just got settled and into a kind of routine, I'm feeling good about where am I and what I'm doing. Bang, you're moving! I'm scared witless. What if this move hits me as hard as the last one did? I don't want to spend 8-10 months in a funk like I did during this move.
On a positive note though, James and I did up our 5 year plan and it looks good. A lot of it is optimistic, and based on my working (that could be difficult seeing we're moving to a town with 12,000 people and 75% of those people are militarily based) but on the whole it is realistic and will see us in our own home within three years. It would be sooner but with us planning a new car in one year, a wedding shortly thereafter and a baby after that... 3 years is what we'll need to save up the money we'll need for the downpayment.
I guess I'll save the goal recap for another post. This one is long enough. Love to you my Kagami, and to you my Auntie (if you read this) and to whoever else stops by.

Giving it Back

After my mother's passing, I went to go see the high priestess of my former circle. We talked of many things, but she said something to me that really stuck. That is that I am carrying burdens of my past that serve nothing except to hurt me, and in order for me to keep growing, I need to let them all go. These burdens teach no lessons, and worse than that I seem to drag them out in order to flog myself with them. A torturous device of my own keeping. After rereading my last post I realize that I have a real big one and it is time to let go.

Dad,
When I was a child and you went off to work, coming home only on the occasional weekend, I asked Mom why. She said it was something you had to do for us all and not to mention it to you because it hurt you to be away from us as much as it hurt us not to have you there. I accepted that answer, but it made me think that if not for me, you would have been at home.
When I was twelve and began to rebel, it was because I was given everything. I was given expensive toys, expensive clothes and plenty of time to be by myself. I had time to think of what I wasn't given. I had plenty of stuff but because I wasn't learning disabled or a sports star I was deemed fine to be there alone, resenting every second you and Mom spent with my brother. I hated him for it then and that feeling has never left me. I still hate him for it and it isn't his fault.
When Mom and I had all our problems I used to crave your coming home from work because it meant that I got to come home to the picture of home, hearth and happiness. I bought into your picture of family because I wanted it too, I always wanted it. I would make nice with Mom just so I could spend 10 minutes on a Sunday morning in love, feeling a part of a family that didn't want me.
When I was older I tried to meet you as an adult. I wasn't an adult, but I tried to be so maybe we could have a common ground. I moved out, moved away, moved back and the entire time I remember having you worry about me because I was making mistake after mistake and I kept on making them so I could cry to you how I didn't know what I was doing. Every so often it worked.
I have come to realize that in the past 5 years that a goodly portion of the time I've spent crying has been for you; for the time we haven't spent and for the relationship we don't have. Until today I have trudged on still feeling like I don't matter all that much to you. I mean how could I mean anything to you at all, when you have to steal away from your girlfriend to see me; or when you have to beg or bribe her to have me in your house. How is it that you can cast me and my family aside so quickly and easily to accommodate her? I feel like I'm twelve years old again, but instead of hating my brother I have to hate her. But it is not her fault either. She may give you the ultimadeum, but you take it. You choose. And again I don't feel worthy. I can send you positive and glowing progress reports of how I am making my life better and they are met only with your platitudinal indifference. And it isn't good enough. I don't feel good enough. I don't know what I have to do to be good enough, but I am tired of trying.
I am an adult now. I have my family. I have my picture of home hearth and happiness. I have worked for it. I give my blood, sweat and tears to them and I make it work daily. It is my labour of love. I may not make the money Vance does, I may not have the things but I'm happy with who I am. I am happy with what I have accomplished. I don't need your approval. I refuse to let your ignorance of me affect me any longer. I don't need it and you can have back all the tears I've cried for want of your love.